Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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