Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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