HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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