i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
