why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we made out on top of his cat.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
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