i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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