my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
