I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
40s are totally the cure
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
