So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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