Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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