i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
