Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The power of my boobs compel you
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
