it's like iHOP with fire
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
