every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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