Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
