I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What a dumb baby whore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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