I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
