Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
