also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have tasted many bathrooms
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
