A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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