I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
bring money and cleavage
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
