At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
