I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
