Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
