If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
please come you make the beer taste better
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
