WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
