He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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