I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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