Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
