The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
