He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
