the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
