he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
