What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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