I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
