Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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