ADVERTISEMENT

• (757): View more from Virginia

  Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.

  Fav 10 2419 910

  share tweet
  

• (250): View more from British Columbia

  I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.

  Fav 16 3485 967

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (419): View more from Ohio

  you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

  Fav 7 4305 1472

  share tweet
  

• (312): View more from Illinois

  I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

  Fav 27 4735 1626

  share tweet
  

• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk

  Fav 11 1128 2117

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

  Fav 10 2848 864

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (630): View more from Illinois

  I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

  Fav 4 1958 707

  share tweet
  

• (912): View more from Georgia

  Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

  Fav 3 1832 907

  share tweet
  

• (309): View more from Illinois

  there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

  Fav 14 1571 972

  share tweet
  

• (404): View more from Georgia

  You get home ok?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.

  Fav 2 1174 560

  share tweet
  

• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  3 2 1 whiskey

  Fav 1 929 494

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (850): View more from Florida

  His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.

  Fav 1 395 558

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!

  Fav 4 115 15

  share tweet
  

• (775): View more from Nevada

  So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.

  (775): View more from Nevada

  I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.

  Fav 0 69 8

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (847): View more from Illinois

  Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays

  Fav 0 20 22

  share tweet
  

Randomize