I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
