Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
