she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
