all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
