I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
