Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
