It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that