Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately