It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just invented taco cereal.
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…