my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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