There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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