you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
