i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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