'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
