apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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