Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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