i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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