so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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