I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is Oprah even human
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
