Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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