You really coming over, don't trick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
