My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
