Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Bring me that man meat
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
