Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
