if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My dick has a subreddit
Randomize
