I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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